The Love Lives of College Girls: The Digital Age of Dating
David Viscott, American psychiatrist and author, once said, "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." Unfortunately, most college students have been cast under the shade of the clouds. While dating was once exciting and hopeful, it now feels impossible to find the right person in the age of digital dating. With the rise of superficial dating apps and meaningless conversations, is it still possible to find a real connection? As a 20-year-old college student balancing school, friendships, social life, and the catastrophe that is the college dating scene, I want to further explore the ins and outs of the love lives of college girls.
As a proud member of Gen Z, I own the fact that digital culture has influenced us to be naturally introverted and hesitant to enter relationships. Whether due to our technology-driven childhoods or poorly timed quarantine, confidence rests at an all-time low when it comes to relationships. As a result, our dating scene differs from our parents' experiences, full of vague statuses, unidentifiable relationships, and more horror stories than I can count.
The word “single" can mean many things in the college dating pool. Being single may mean you are truly single and not pursuing a relationship, but it could also translate to: you’re talking to someone, in a situationship, or exclusive with someone. In reality, few people are wholeheartedly single. After reaching out to college students through an anonymous survey, I discovered even more complexity as to what it means to be “single.” One anonymous student shared, “I was in a situationship with a guy from UPenn, and he wouldn’t stop talking about his ex-girlfriend. He even made me listen to a Spotify playlist he made for her.” While he may have been “single,” he wasn’t exactly available. How can we decipher each relationship with all of these confusing modern-day statuses? When asked to define a situationship, one student called it “Hell. It’s talking to someone and hanging out for months without adding a label.” Another explained, "A situationship is a kind of relationship where one person doesn’t want to make it a real thing with real boundaries and commitment, despite doing things an actual couple would do." For singles in college, this kind of relationship is all too common.
If you’ve fallen victim to a situationship, chances are your journey began with a college hookup. While there’s nothing wrong with partaking, it can be hard to differentiate emotional connections from purely physical ones. Depending on your intentions, college hookup culture has its pros and cons. On the one hand, it can help people explore their identity and embrace their sexuality — a step many women are hesitant to do when they first get to college. Hookup culture has seemingly reduced slut-shaming, encouraging women to feel less self-conscious about embracing their sexuality. However, hookup culture can also lead down treacherous paths. One junior at Drexel University shared, “One time, I hooked up with an athlete from Drexel. As I was leaving his apartment and saying goodbye to one of his roommates, he said, ‘All right, she’s all yours.’” Another student admitted that a guy she was hooking up with ignored her for three days, only to ask her later to download an app so he could get $25 in referral money. While hookup culture may seem fun, it often leads to some of the most horrible stories of your college career. Moreover, hookup culture can be emotionally challenging when boundaries aren’t clearly drawn. Many students shared how it has changed their perception of romance. One expressed, “You can’t tell who actually wants to be in love and who just wants to have fun. Those differences can leave people feeling hurt.” The issue often lies in the lack of communication. Another student noted, “I’m pro casual hookups, and I think it’s super normal. But you know what else is normal? Conversation. You need to be self-aware and open to communication if you’re going to have a casual relationship.”
I sat down with 20-year-old Annie to discuss her own experience being single in college. When asked about her opinion on this subject, she said, "With the people I’m around, it’s like the guys think that they can get all of the girls instead of just picking one. It’s easier to get with someone rather than get to know them." The reality is that the expectations of modern-day romance have been redefined. While many students experience pressure to date in college, we face a completely different set of obstacles. We aren’t getting to know people in the same way our parents once did. One reason for this is the new role technology plays in forming relationships. Annie shared, "As corny as it sounds, social media does make a big difference. It’s not like you have to make an effort to see someone anymore. When our parents were in college, they had to plan dates. Now, it’s like, ‘Oh, just come over.’" With the rise of technology making communication more convenient than ever, have we failed to notice how much we may be missing out on? This reality is daunting when you realize that most married couples you know had an entirely different experience. Knowing this, it's essential to be mindful about cultivating meaningful relationships instead of settling for casual ones.
The art of planning dates has gotten lost in the Gen Z translation. Many participants shared that dates have been few and far between. Most times, young women are invited over via Snapchat to hang out in a boy’s bedroom, typically past the hour of 10 p.m. Unfortunately, the days of bringing a girl flowers and taking her to dinner are quite rare. One young woman shared, "I've hung out with men many times, but I’ve never considered any of those meetups to be actual dates. We might have gone to each other's places, gone for walks, or grabbed coffee, but none of it felt like a real date to me. I say this because almost every 'date' I've been on has ended with a hookup or ghosting." So, what defines an actual date? Some spontaneous meetups can result in meaningful conversation or even the forming of a relationship. However, many people may not realize that it’s cool to put in effort. Not only does it make a person feel valued, but it reminds them that they are more than just an afterthought.
Fortunately, not all hope has been lost just yet. I spoke with Tara, a 21-year-old student who found a lasting relationship in a way I never thought possible—Tinder. She downloaded the app during her freshman year of college, stating how many of her friends had it, and she wanted to join in on the fun. After many left swipes, she came across a profile that caught her eye. "I remember he was different than my usual matches. I kind of did a double-take. His answers were also funny, so I actually kept in touch because he put in effort." After a few dates with her match, it was official. Tara had found a boyfriend on Tinder. Tara admitted she initially thought people who met their significant others on dating apps were strange. However, she now thinks differently. "They’re not all bad. I’ve heard a lot of stories where the relationship works out, so I guess it’s a little less embarrassing than I originally thought." While this may seem impossible due to the flood of participants who want nothing more than a one-night stand, there are still some good fish in the vast sea of the Tinder algorithm, if that gives you any hope.
With the independence students gain at college, we often forget just how much growth there is to be done. Relationships contribute to self-discovery, helping young adults understand their needs. While your first college relationship may seem nerve-racking, there’s a lesson to be learned from each relationship we embark on in college. After a few college relationships, one student shared, "In some ways, I view relationships as more serious because the more time you spend with someone, the more you imagine your future together. But I have also really found my independence in college, so I know I could thrive on my own as well. I try not to plan out my future around anyone else other than myself."
College relationships are complex and multifaceted, shaped by experimentation and self-growth. Every person comes into your life for a reason. Not all relationships will be successful, but there is a lesson to be gained from each one. While some may teach you lessons like never fall for a man who only texts you after midnight, others may teach you something more endearing. Some relationships remind us that romantic connections, while important and valuable to our growth, aren’t the only ones that add value to our lives. Sometimes, the people we fall back on after a bad date or a heartbreak are the people we should value most. It’s hard not to fall into the pressure of feeling like you need to date someone in college. It’s okay to feel that pressure, but also recognize that everyone else feels it, too. Maybe if we were all a bit more open about it, that weight might feel a little lighter.
“I’ve realized the importance of romantic love as well as platonic. My friends are the people I know will always be there. They’re the people that I’ll go to after a hookup or a bad date.”