How the Pandemic and TikTok Made Me Realize I’m Queer
Written by: Tara Watson
Photography by: Dot Bashioum @dotbashioumphoto
Makeup by: Addison Mackenzie @addison._.mackenzie
Do you know the secret behind cuffed jeans, Girl in Red, and the painted nail emoji? Sounds queer to me. Read this relatable story about how TikTok and the pandemic made me queer.
In March of 2020, sitting in class in high school, I remember wanting the school year to be over. As a senior in high school and attending private catholic school my whole life, I was excited to explore the world and be on my own. After many years of living to the expectations of my environment, I was emotionally drained and stuck in a never-ending identity crisis. On this specific day in March, the announcement that the Coronavirus had arrived and we would be off school for two weeks rang through the entire school. However, little did I know this would be my last day of high school and the first day of my mental and physical freedom. Those two weeks off school turned into the next few months, and my life shifted to virtual, changing how I socialized and identified.
Isolation gave me a lot of time to think about myself, my family and friends, and my future; who was I working towards being? While I was at home, I worked on my physical health. After I contracted Covid-19, my health declined quickly, and my asthma worsened. I was not only working on figuring out this new health issue, but also I worked towards a healthier mental state. How I portrayed myself in high school did not reflect who I was. My subconscious guided me through questions I had been itching to answer since childhood.
During this time, I consumed more online content than ever before. Netflix wasn’t cutting it, and I needed new content suppliers. That’s when I discovered TikTok; it filled the dopamine-consuming hole in my brain. Eager to explore, I searched for a place within the app to satiate my hunger for knowledge. I needed to fulfill those internalized questions, which is when I stumbled upon a space created by and for young people to explore their sexual orientation and gender identity.
My mom and my dad divorced when I was young. I never had role models that taught me what a healthy relationship looked like, not even a heterosexual one. The only idea of what a “heterosexual relationship” looked like came from the movies, and I subconsciously applied that to my life. “Do I like girls,” always stayed in the back of my mind. I suppressed these thoughts and feelings for years until I found this space on TikTok. Trust me. It’s true when people talk about the algorithm and its accuracy.
TikTok is full of trends, hashtags, and challenges that uplift and educate its users, especially those in the queer community. The app helps those questioning validate their feelings by providing a safe and supportive place to explore your identity. The LGBTQ+ community on TikTok has allowed its creators to feel more comfortable with themselves and express themselves without the fear of being judged. How users define their gender and sexuality is one of the community’s most talked about shared experiences. For those still in the closet and are nervous to come out publicly to family or friends about their identities, TikTok is the ideal resource. TikTok has wholly transformed how individuals discover, educate, and relate with others in the queer community. The app allowed me to learn from various creators, such as Dylan Mulvaney, Camilla Lorentzen, and Julie Lorentzen. These creators came from different backgrounds with different sexualities, different pronouns, and different identities. With this platform, queer folks can reclaim the queer experience online and have a place for education and self-discovery. TikTok allowed me to become educated by the community and see to whom I could relate.
The TikTok algorithm plays a considerable role in how the app operates. The algorithm figures out what you like and what you want to watch. It takes posted content related to topics and identities, aligns it with your experiences, and then places the content on your feed. When I started using the app, it showed me suggested content; my reactions to the videos fed the algorithm’s profile of me. The more I responded to the various content categories, the more it fed me that specific content.
So, that does not mean when I started using TikTok, I looked up different LGBTQ+ topics, which caused specific content to appear on my feed. My reaction to a video randomly placed on my feed could encourage more related content to appear. An example would be if I liked to cook, then TikTok would suggest that content on my for you page. The more cooking content I consume, the more the algorithm will supply this content in my feed. Predicting with laser-level accuracy, TikTok suggested content that never failed to fulfill whatever weird obsessions or burning questions one may have. As my life slowed down during the pandemic, I was able to soul-search and get to know myself better through the AI mirror.
In the ’50s and ’60, it was common to ask someone, “Are you a friend of Dorothy?” This was to determine if someone was gay. In 19th century England, some gay and lesbian women used a secret language called Polari. Social media has created new queer signals and spread them quicker than word of mouth. On TikTok, I constantly saw content about Girl in Red’s song “We Fell in Love in October,” which in the community signifies lesbians and women loving women, or #WLW for short. In fashion, cuffed pants and sleeves signal bisexuality, while the painted nails emoji signals queerness. In dance, the “limp wrist” motion during the bell in Doja Cat’s “Kiss Me More” song signals queerness. These signals help the community to feel more connected with one another.
Queer signals once helped those in secret connect in person. Now, queer signals still help those in and out of the closet, but in physical and online spaces. This time-wasting app had clarified something about myself that I had yet to embrace fully. As the algorithm fed me more and more queer content, I became more confused and overwhelmed. I never checked any box on social media. I didn’t talk about it with my friends or family, and I’d largely compartmentalized it in my brain’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” section. The algorithm had already figured me out before I even had.
A good friend who wanted to remain anonymous started using TikTok during the first two weeks of quarantine. TikTok helped her learn new things, specifically just random facts, recipes, and stories of what people have been through in their lives. She says, “I think TikTok gave me a broader outlook on people. What they like. What they are like. Interests that people have that I would never know about because it is not something that the people in my environment would be into.” While on her journey of self-discovery, TikTok helped her be comfortable with coming out as a lesbian.
She always thought it was better to come out as bisexual because it was an “easier pill” for people to swallow. She says, “Whether coming out to my family or to new people I was meeting, I would always say I was bisexual, but it never felt right. Seeing that other people have had the same thought process, I ultimately came out as a lesbian. Later, this made me acknowledge that that is okay.” She felt safe while using TikTok as it aided her self-discovery journey.
Influencers heavily drive TikTok with a large platform and immense following. These creators share their journeys and stories, and their followers listen because they relate and can share the same experience as these creators.
Dylan Mulvaney posts about the steps she has gone through as a transitioning woman. Her journey to become the person she always knew was inspiring. She addresses hate comments and posts with grace and does not give the haters the reaction they want; instead, she questions the roots of their hate. In recent news, on October 26, 2022, Dylan Mulvaney sat down with President Biden in the White House and discussed the topic of trans rights in America. She spoke with Biden at Now This’ Presidential Forum about the right-wing attacks on trans lives and how the administration can better advocate for the trans community.
Julie and Camila Lorentzen are a lesbian couple whose content revolves around how to be there for your significant other when they need it—struggling with eating disorders in the past, the couple advocates against the appeal to societal beauty standards. The couple is working to have a child and is very transparent with IVF, finding a donor, and their overall approach.
Learning about someone’s experiences in the LGBTQ+ community, regardless of whether it aligns with my own journey, reminds me that I am not alone and that others are actively living the way I do. Creators who align with the way that I identify help me to validate how I feel and help me to answer questions that I internally ask myself. When you are on a journey that you are trekking on your own, having others to support you and cheer you on is invaluable.
Discovering TikTok during the pandemic positively impacted millions of its users and me. The app has successfully created a virtual safe space for its users that they may not have been able to have physically. The app was a fantastic tool for me when I was first questioning and had no one else to turn to for guidance. Creators on the app help others relate and feel validated in how they think and process their thoughts healthily. Social media allows the LGBTQ+ community to have a virtual place forever to look for guidance if they cannot have that physically.
Pre-pandemic, I struggled with my identity and who I wanted to become. My environment was toxic, and the people I surrounded myself with were unhealthy. When the pandemic hit, it allowed me to slow down and remove myself from the world I thought I knew. It allowed me to put perspective into my life when I needed it most. Now, as I readjust to post-pandemic life, the way I view myself, my hopes, and my dreams have entirely shifted, and I am the happiest I have ever been.